Day 22 & Day 23

Day 22

image courtesy madebywhite.com

Yesterday was a me being really aware of my everything day. Almost a memory game of sorts, where the moment was a flash card and my remembrance was the scripture - to match a moment AND act in love was a winning hand.

Day 23

Today brought me this: a smile knowing, even as I am failing, I am being made over. FLIP A CARD. I've never gotten satisfaction in lashing out in thought or deed - not from the point of malicious intent, anyway. I have though, reacted in a way of "getting even" by setting someone straight, in indignation. This morning, I opened my work email to a particularly difficult situation that began a few days ago. FLIP A CARD. The person who had previously rubbed me raw, hadn't followed through. The days prior, I was indignant and extremely irritated...and considered myself justified because I had done what I was supposed to do. This morning, however; I was changed to that situation, and that person. FLIP A CARD. I was changed. FLIP A CARD. Not the other person, who is STILL behaving the same way. FLIP A CARD. I was changed. FLIP A CARD. On the outside, I have remained professional. On the inside, I was lashing out, thinking the person to be inept, and other unkind thoughts. Last night, as I fell asleep, I was reminded to pray for my "enemies". FLIP A CARD. The person isn't really an enemy, per se, however; we have both acted as though we are; the person with all the accusations, and me, with all my thoughts. Enemies. FLIP A CARD.

It's getting in. Something is getting in. Change may come overnight but, it doesn't happen overnight.

Day 12 - Day 21

I'm going to race through those days I've missed posting here with a recap:

Day 12

I had ample opportunity to practice by remembering patience in my reaction to a someone who chafes me at every turn. This remembering I am the problem in my world is tough stuff, in this; If I have to stand for my actions, I have to stand for ALL my actions.

The latter part of my day was a truly wonderful evening with kids I hadn't seen in thirty years. THIRTY. YEARS. Dinner and carousing at our thirtieth class reunion was a much needed balm to frazzled emotions and raw nerves. It was also a test for me. There has been a thorn in my side for thirty years connected to the continued actions of an other...and I shouldn't see it the way I do.

LEARNING CURVE

Day 13

GREAT day. Happiness filled day. Closeness and ribbing and jaunting and merriment. Until, there came the test. (every day? we get tested every day, Lord? i didn't even have to get tested every day in school!) It is in those moments, I am tested - when it's "all good" - and learn how far I have to grow.

Day 14

That was a Monday? Ahhh, yes. I was still able to ride the wave of nostalgia. Good day. The whole day was a good day. As much as I've pointed it out, this being aware of how important this scripture is in my life, how I know it will change my life, I know too; the worst days are the blessed days.

Day 15 - Day 19

A working blur. Evasive customers. Absentee customers. Inept people. Not nice, eh? Also the truth. Outwardly, not a one knew my struggle. I am professional. I am patient. On the outside. YUK. On my inside, I vented and pouted and pointed fingers. In my head, I held conversations with those people-in-test-form who pushed buttons and pulled rugs. That's all gotta go, if I'm to be changed. When I AM changed, it will go.

Day 20

Might as well have been Day 1 all over again. All after thoroughly enjoying my church service, too. Right out the window all THAT went.

Day 21

And, here I am. Which reminds me:

This was one of the hymns in service. I cry every single time. And, here I am again. I am brought back to center. I am happy in my reprimand. I am thankful I mess up. Here I am, Lord. :-)

Day 11

It's been a marginally successful day... In the middle of trying to resolve a particularly difficult issue, I realised

image courtesy wordbypicture.com       

image courtesy bobswoodcrafts.com 

image courtesy her30s.com

image courtesy thefutureofthings.com

                        ACCOUNTABILITY 

Know what I mean? As I lumbered through (along with the other person) our interaction, I remembered. Instantly, I changed. Everything changed, and I was able to again, treat that person as I should.  The moment that came together, I was accountable.

It may be working... :-)

Day 9

Years ago, during my I'm-going-to-read-every-self-improvement-book-ever phase, I read how much it helps to break a day into segments of manageable time, fifteen minutes, as example. A few days ago, I realized it would help me with this year-long trek, to break 1 Corinthians 13:4-13 into increments of learning. Learning to live the words. I realized too, some may take longer than others; we are, after all, carriers. Of that which we need the most growth in. I'm a pretty patient gal, really. Or so I thought, until I really began to examine why this particular scripture convicts me as much as it has. As it still is. Patience isn't just in hectic moments with over-tired toddlers, with the sluggard behind the DMV counter, or the self-possessed intellect with more stale air than tact; patience is best lived where a person is...I'm still learning. Incrementally.

Day 7

Almost missed it!  My youngest was home today, the beginning of our yearly...I'm not sure what to call it. She's sick every year, about this time.

Anyway...

Today was an easy day. She's easy... Is that bad? She's easy for me to remember to love? In the exercise of this growth within me? We get along. So, of course it's easier.

Anyway... Short post. Easy day.

Day 6

Today I am back at ground zero. Half a step forward, fifty gazillion steps back. A long and unhappy tumble back DOWN the hill.

The crux of it is this: not to just intellectualize the concept of the word "patience" in this scripture but, to have the wherewithal to live it by NOT having to pause, dig deep, take a breathe, or worse, hold on to that tiniest little piece. That tiniest little voice squeaking, " yabbut...i'm always the one who's trying/changing/working/forgiving/committing/persevering...". Which is exactly what I do. What we all do. It's an ALL, People, if there is ONE other person out there who's done this one time, it's an ALL.

The exercise then, is growing through that moment, to the place there is NO OTHER REACTION, save patience.

A very clear picture is being painted for me, of a change in me since my divorce seven years ago. I find, in the worst moments of tear-laden frustration, I have become a quitter. In thought.

When everyone is off in their corners, one too many days, and my heart has been heavy because, they don't see what a wonder it is to be a family, too often my own hurt thoughts go to, "I quit". Not the words but, my reaction to the hurt.

I quit.

"I'm hurt and I'm exhausted with being the only one to care. So, I'm holing up in my room and they can all have their way. They'll see one day. When we are all distanced."

I quit.

I'm failing us all with that approach. 'Cause, I don't really quit; I don't really not care. In fact, I really do care a great deal.

PATIENCE. Patience has to fill me up in those swiss cheese places. Instantly. Not as a replacement to my pause, or my reaction, but because, that is all there is.

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Day 5

Mobile blogging from bed before I zonk. Today was a particularly trying day. Because I was uber aware of my reactions to those daily rubs. I liked it. Deeply introspective day.

Day 3

                                                          image courtesy goneliftin.com

I might just achieve this. Today, I focused on patience. I mean that quite literally. After racing here to get a  post in before midnight last night, I went to bed, remembering how easy it was to remain patient when my kids were young. Odd, eh? It might seem, it should be more difficult, remembering that aspect of love with a tiny little super human who, never tires and is never out of questions. Not so, for me back then.

Every time I felt my frustration welling up, for all that is "a life with a house full of teens and interacting with their teen-minded daddy", I paused for a nano second and regrouped. It went VERY well, I must say.

I know too, to be more patient with myself. Why do we expect changes to be so easy?

Love IS patient. Love is BEING patient.

Day 1

                                                     image courtesy christian-jeweler.com

Today, I embark on what is probably the biggest effort I've ever made. I'm already messing up, too. That's ok. It happens. It will continue to happen. I'm human. I want to be a better human.

This effort stems from my awareness; change begins within me. This scripture has haunted me for too long now. Tells me I'm missing the mark, for all my words.

I'm not exactly sure just yet, how to approach this. How to lay out this blog. Or my thoughts for that matter.

I know that today was a day of too many tears. Mine. I am frustrated with the dynamic in my home. And, though my head knows what to do, my actions aren't matching up.

For every eye roll, and rude retort, I need to reach deeper. No matter what.

For every slight and disrespectful interaction, I need to reach deeper, and let my reactions match the words I know in this scripture.

I need, at some point, on some level, to let myself off the hook a bit, for not remembering, in the moment.

One day down. I have a freakin' long way to go...