Honest To God ~ Day 82

As you can see, if you've followed this blog at all; I have failed. Miserably.

BUT God...

He is SO good.

As ashamed as I am to say it, I divorced my husband in 2006. I did so without consulting the only person I should have. God. Had I continued to grow in my relationship with Him, my life wouldn't be where it is, right now.

I was wrong to divorce my husband
I was wrong to make him my god
I was selfish. Selfish is unloving

How pathetic am I, to have been given MANY fair warnings by God...to include the reason behind this blog.

I am learning to speak life. Into everything. The liar has had too much time in my sandbox. It became his litter box, really. No more.

I love you, Charlie. You are the second best thing to happen to me in this life. The first is knowing God. Him, and then you. Then, our babies. After that, it's all just fluff.

I am aware, there are those who may be following this, who will roll their eyes. I understand. I have absolutely no credibility, given my choices over the last few years. I also don't care. I am accountable to no one. But God... He gave me a wonderful blessing in my husband. He has given me a wonderful blessing in my husband.

I'm not sure yet, where these words will go but, I hope it helps someone else.

If you never commit an other passage to your heart, commit 1 Corinthians 13:4-13. It will serve you well.

Day 10

image courtesy thecriticalpath.info    

We wait in lines for these, right ?

image courtesy bellanaija.com

I don't know about you but, I woulda' waited a lllonnng time for this!

image courtesy meethtebeatlesforreal.blogspot.com 

And though, I was far too young to have waited for these, I would have. Just like this.

It hit me: when we are trying to learn through a piece of scripture that hangdogs our every waking moment, we are, in essence, waiting in line (albeit, within) for each part to make sense, that we might always and truly live it. We peruse the Sunday Paper (The Bible), we land on a particular event (a book or chapter), and then we wait in line (the piece of scripture as a whole) until it's our turn to hold that prized ticket (The Understanding). If the event is really, really good (and, come on, they usually are because we chose it), and we pay close attention (introspection, experience, and prayer) and are drawn into the story, we leave the venue and tell the story over, and over, and over.

I for One, am arriving before the birds. How about you?

Day 6

Today I am back at ground zero. Half a step forward, fifty gazillion steps back. A long and unhappy tumble back DOWN the hill.

The crux of it is this: not to just intellectualize the concept of the word "patience" in this scripture but, to have the wherewithal to live it by NOT having to pause, dig deep, take a breathe, or worse, hold on to that tiniest little piece. That tiniest little voice squeaking, " yabbut...i'm always the one who's trying/changing/working/forgiving/committing/persevering...". Which is exactly what I do. What we all do. It's an ALL, People, if there is ONE other person out there who's done this one time, it's an ALL.

The exercise then, is growing through that moment, to the place there is NO OTHER REACTION, save patience.

A very clear picture is being painted for me, of a change in me since my divorce seven years ago. I find, in the worst moments of tear-laden frustration, I have become a quitter. In thought.

When everyone is off in their corners, one too many days, and my heart has been heavy because, they don't see what a wonder it is to be a family, too often my own hurt thoughts go to, "I quit". Not the words but, my reaction to the hurt.

I quit.

"I'm hurt and I'm exhausted with being the only one to care. So, I'm holing up in my room and they can all have their way. They'll see one day. When we are all distanced."

I quit.

I'm failing us all with that approach. 'Cause, I don't really quit; I don't really not care. In fact, I really do care a great deal.

PATIENCE. Patience has to fill me up in those swiss cheese places. Instantly. Not as a replacement to my pause, or my reaction, but because, that is all there is.

image courtesy photographybycally.com

Day 4

                                                        image courtesy quotesvalley.com

THAT is the day it has been.

I am quickly seeing, this journey (for me) is going to be about digging deeper, and beyond any (of my) understanding. It is the more difficult thing to do, to "let it go" when I know the other person is incorrect. To...ZIPPIT... After all, it "may" be my responsibility/opportunity/inclination to teach that person, or it may not. Their learning may actually come from me ceding to patience and bowing away. Overzealous earnest know-it-all, I be.

                                                             image courtesy okyday.com

Day 2

4 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 [b]bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things

Thank goodness, I have 363 more days to get this. I've failed miserably. Again. I'm doing good, day is moving along, happy-happy joy-joy inside, and BAM. That one person comes along to just completely upend my day.

Sad truth is, that one person is really me. If I am to live "love is patient", I have to find a way to dig deeper and not allow my "self" to see the other person any way but, in love.

PATIENCE. Evidently, is not my virtue...

Day 1

                                                     image courtesy christian-jeweler.com

Today, I embark on what is probably the biggest effort I've ever made. I'm already messing up, too. That's ok. It happens. It will continue to happen. I'm human. I want to be a better human.

This effort stems from my awareness; change begins within me. This scripture has haunted me for too long now. Tells me I'm missing the mark, for all my words.

I'm not exactly sure just yet, how to approach this. How to lay out this blog. Or my thoughts for that matter.

I know that today was a day of too many tears. Mine. I am frustrated with the dynamic in my home. And, though my head knows what to do, my actions aren't matching up.

For every eye roll, and rude retort, I need to reach deeper. No matter what.

For every slight and disrespectful interaction, I need to reach deeper, and let my reactions match the words I know in this scripture.

I need, at some point, on some level, to let myself off the hook a bit, for not remembering, in the moment.

One day down. I have a freakin' long way to go...