Day 24 & Day 25

Day 24 AND Day 25

The last two days have been down the toilet. Completely. I am working on me trying to work on me, and hyper aware of others foibles. The definition of insanity comes to mind. I have no patience, therefore; I show no love. Too, I'm learning, true kindness carries patience in the definition. I have no kindness then, not really, here too; there is no love.

I had opportunity to share my frustration with someone who asked how I was doing, how the last couple of days have gone. After listening to my tearful vent, it was said in reference to what I am trying to do through this scripture: just how long is long-suffering? How patient is patience? Where is love being returned to YOU? I know the questions were well-meant, asked in care but, I also know the danger that comes with too deep a selfish introspection.

If I am to learn through this scripture, to grow through it, I have to arrive at a place where I don't examine what is done to me. Or not done to me. I have to trade the part of introspection that is named Selfish, for the extrospection named Selfless.

image courtesy images.fineartamerica.com 

How's your view?

Day 12 - Day 21

I'm going to race through those days I've missed posting here with a recap:

Day 12

I had ample opportunity to practice by remembering patience in my reaction to a someone who chafes me at every turn. This remembering I am the problem in my world is tough stuff, in this; If I have to stand for my actions, I have to stand for ALL my actions.

The latter part of my day was a truly wonderful evening with kids I hadn't seen in thirty years. THIRTY. YEARS. Dinner and carousing at our thirtieth class reunion was a much needed balm to frazzled emotions and raw nerves. It was also a test for me. There has been a thorn in my side for thirty years connected to the continued actions of an other...and I shouldn't see it the way I do.

LEARNING CURVE

Day 13

GREAT day. Happiness filled day. Closeness and ribbing and jaunting and merriment. Until, there came the test. (every day? we get tested every day, Lord? i didn't even have to get tested every day in school!) It is in those moments, I am tested - when it's "all good" - and learn how far I have to grow.

Day 14

That was a Monday? Ahhh, yes. I was still able to ride the wave of nostalgia. Good day. The whole day was a good day. As much as I've pointed it out, this being aware of how important this scripture is in my life, how I know it will change my life, I know too; the worst days are the blessed days.

Day 15 - Day 19

A working blur. Evasive customers. Absentee customers. Inept people. Not nice, eh? Also the truth. Outwardly, not a one knew my struggle. I am professional. I am patient. On the outside. YUK. On my inside, I vented and pouted and pointed fingers. In my head, I held conversations with those people-in-test-form who pushed buttons and pulled rugs. That's all gotta go, if I'm to be changed. When I AM changed, it will go.

Day 20

Might as well have been Day 1 all over again. All after thoroughly enjoying my church service, too. Right out the window all THAT went.

Day 21

And, here I am. Which reminds me:

This was one of the hymns in service. I cry every single time. And, here I am again. I am brought back to center. I am happy in my reprimand. I am thankful I mess up. Here I am, Lord. :-)

Day 6

Today I am back at ground zero. Half a step forward, fifty gazillion steps back. A long and unhappy tumble back DOWN the hill.

The crux of it is this: not to just intellectualize the concept of the word "patience" in this scripture but, to have the wherewithal to live it by NOT having to pause, dig deep, take a breathe, or worse, hold on to that tiniest little piece. That tiniest little voice squeaking, " yabbut...i'm always the one who's trying/changing/working/forgiving/committing/persevering...". Which is exactly what I do. What we all do. It's an ALL, People, if there is ONE other person out there who's done this one time, it's an ALL.

The exercise then, is growing through that moment, to the place there is NO OTHER REACTION, save patience.

A very clear picture is being painted for me, of a change in me since my divorce seven years ago. I find, in the worst moments of tear-laden frustration, I have become a quitter. In thought.

When everyone is off in their corners, one too many days, and my heart has been heavy because, they don't see what a wonder it is to be a family, too often my own hurt thoughts go to, "I quit". Not the words but, my reaction to the hurt.

I quit.

"I'm hurt and I'm exhausted with being the only one to care. So, I'm holing up in my room and they can all have their way. They'll see one day. When we are all distanced."

I quit.

I'm failing us all with that approach. 'Cause, I don't really quit; I don't really not care. In fact, I really do care a great deal.

PATIENCE. Patience has to fill me up in those swiss cheese places. Instantly. Not as a replacement to my pause, or my reaction, but because, that is all there is.

image courtesy photographybycally.com

Day 5

Mobile blogging from bed before I zonk. Today was a particularly trying day. Because I was uber aware of my reactions to those daily rubs. I liked it. Deeply introspective day.