Day 24 & Day 25

Day 24 AND Day 25

The last two days have been down the toilet. Completely. I am working on me trying to work on me, and hyper aware of others foibles. The definition of insanity comes to mind. I have no patience, therefore; I show no love. Too, I'm learning, true kindness carries patience in the definition. I have no kindness then, not really, here too; there is no love.

I had opportunity to share my frustration with someone who asked how I was doing, how the last couple of days have gone. After listening to my tearful vent, it was said in reference to what I am trying to do through this scripture: just how long is long-suffering? How patient is patience? Where is love being returned to YOU? I know the questions were well-meant, asked in care but, I also know the danger that comes with too deep a selfish introspection.

If I am to learn through this scripture, to grow through it, I have to arrive at a place where I don't examine what is done to me. Or not done to me. I have to trade the part of introspection that is named Selfish, for the extrospection named Selfless.

image courtesy images.fineartamerica.com 

How's your view?

Day 22 & Day 23

Day 22

image courtesy madebywhite.com

Yesterday was a me being really aware of my everything day. Almost a memory game of sorts, where the moment was a flash card and my remembrance was the scripture - to match a moment AND act in love was a winning hand.

Day 23

Today brought me this: a smile knowing, even as I am failing, I am being made over. FLIP A CARD. I've never gotten satisfaction in lashing out in thought or deed - not from the point of malicious intent, anyway. I have though, reacted in a way of "getting even" by setting someone straight, in indignation. This morning, I opened my work email to a particularly difficult situation that began a few days ago. FLIP A CARD. The person who had previously rubbed me raw, hadn't followed through. The days prior, I was indignant and extremely irritated...and considered myself justified because I had done what I was supposed to do. This morning, however; I was changed to that situation, and that person. FLIP A CARD. I was changed. FLIP A CARD. Not the other person, who is STILL behaving the same way. FLIP A CARD. I was changed. FLIP A CARD. On the outside, I have remained professional. On the inside, I was lashing out, thinking the person to be inept, and other unkind thoughts. Last night, as I fell asleep, I was reminded to pray for my "enemies". FLIP A CARD. The person isn't really an enemy, per se, however; we have both acted as though we are; the person with all the accusations, and me, with all my thoughts. Enemies. FLIP A CARD.

It's getting in. Something is getting in. Change may come overnight but, it doesn't happen overnight.

Day 12 - Day 21

I'm going to race through those days I've missed posting here with a recap:

Day 12

I had ample opportunity to practice by remembering patience in my reaction to a someone who chafes me at every turn. This remembering I am the problem in my world is tough stuff, in this; If I have to stand for my actions, I have to stand for ALL my actions.

The latter part of my day was a truly wonderful evening with kids I hadn't seen in thirty years. THIRTY. YEARS. Dinner and carousing at our thirtieth class reunion was a much needed balm to frazzled emotions and raw nerves. It was also a test for me. There has been a thorn in my side for thirty years connected to the continued actions of an other...and I shouldn't see it the way I do.

LEARNING CURVE

Day 13

GREAT day. Happiness filled day. Closeness and ribbing and jaunting and merriment. Until, there came the test. (every day? we get tested every day, Lord? i didn't even have to get tested every day in school!) It is in those moments, I am tested - when it's "all good" - and learn how far I have to grow.

Day 14

That was a Monday? Ahhh, yes. I was still able to ride the wave of nostalgia. Good day. The whole day was a good day. As much as I've pointed it out, this being aware of how important this scripture is in my life, how I know it will change my life, I know too; the worst days are the blessed days.

Day 15 - Day 19

A working blur. Evasive customers. Absentee customers. Inept people. Not nice, eh? Also the truth. Outwardly, not a one knew my struggle. I am professional. I am patient. On the outside. YUK. On my inside, I vented and pouted and pointed fingers. In my head, I held conversations with those people-in-test-form who pushed buttons and pulled rugs. That's all gotta go, if I'm to be changed. When I AM changed, it will go.

Day 20

Might as well have been Day 1 all over again. All after thoroughly enjoying my church service, too. Right out the window all THAT went.

Day 21

And, here I am. Which reminds me:

This was one of the hymns in service. I cry every single time. And, here I am again. I am brought back to center. I am happy in my reprimand. I am thankful I mess up. Here I am, Lord. :-)

Day 10

image courtesy thecriticalpath.info    

We wait in lines for these, right ?

image courtesy bellanaija.com

I don't know about you but, I woulda' waited a lllonnng time for this!

image courtesy meethtebeatlesforreal.blogspot.com 

And though, I was far too young to have waited for these, I would have. Just like this.

It hit me: when we are trying to learn through a piece of scripture that hangdogs our every waking moment, we are, in essence, waiting in line (albeit, within) for each part to make sense, that we might always and truly live it. We peruse the Sunday Paper (The Bible), we land on a particular event (a book or chapter), and then we wait in line (the piece of scripture as a whole) until it's our turn to hold that prized ticket (The Understanding). If the event is really, really good (and, come on, they usually are because we chose it), and we pay close attention (introspection, experience, and prayer) and are drawn into the story, we leave the venue and tell the story over, and over, and over.

I for One, am arriving before the birds. How about you?

Day 9

Years ago, during my I'm-going-to-read-every-self-improvement-book-ever phase, I read how much it helps to break a day into segments of manageable time, fifteen minutes, as example. A few days ago, I realized it would help me with this year-long trek, to break 1 Corinthians 13:4-13 into increments of learning. Learning to live the words. I realized too, some may take longer than others; we are, after all, carriers. Of that which we need the most growth in. I'm a pretty patient gal, really. Or so I thought, until I really began to examine why this particular scripture convicts me as much as it has. As it still is. Patience isn't just in hectic moments with over-tired toddlers, with the sluggard behind the DMV counter, or the self-possessed intellect with more stale air than tact; patience is best lived where a person is...I'm still learning. Incrementally.

Day 7

Almost missed it!  My youngest was home today, the beginning of our yearly...I'm not sure what to call it. She's sick every year, about this time.

Anyway...

Today was an easy day. She's easy... Is that bad? She's easy for me to remember to love? In the exercise of this growth within me? We get along. So, of course it's easier.

Anyway... Short post. Easy day.

Day 5

Mobile blogging from bed before I zonk. Today was a particularly trying day. Because I was uber aware of my reactions to those daily rubs. I liked it. Deeply introspective day.