Almost missed it! My youngest was home today, the beginning of our yearly...I'm not sure what to call it. She's sick every year, about this time.
Anyway...
Today was an easy day. She's easy... Is that bad? She's easy for me to remember to love? In the exercise of this growth within me? We get along. So, of course it's easier.
Anyway... Short post. Easy day.
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Day 6
Today I am back at ground zero. Half a step forward, fifty gazillion steps back. A long and unhappy tumble back DOWN the hill.
The crux of it is this: not to just intellectualize the concept of the word "patience" in this scripture but, to have the wherewithal to live it by NOT having to pause, dig deep, take a breathe, or worse, hold on to that tiniest little piece. That tiniest little voice squeaking, " yabbut...i'm always the one who's trying/changing/working/forgiving/committing/persevering...". Which is exactly what I do. What we all do. It's an ALL, People, if there is ONE other person out there who's done this one time, it's an ALL.
The exercise then, is growing through that moment, to the place there is NO OTHER REACTION, save patience.
A very clear picture is being painted for me, of a change in me since my divorce seven years ago. I find, in the worst moments of tear-laden frustration, I have become a quitter. In thought.
When everyone is off in their corners, one too many days, and my heart has been heavy because, they don't see what a wonder it is to be a family, too often my own hurt thoughts go to, "I quit". Not the words but, my reaction to the hurt.
I quit.
"I'm hurt and I'm exhausted with being the only one to care. So, I'm holing up in my room and they can all have their way. They'll see one day. When we are all distanced."
I quit.
I'm failing us all with that approach. 'Cause, I don't really quit; I don't really not care. In fact, I really do care a great deal.
PATIENCE. Patience has to fill me up in those swiss cheese places. Instantly. Not as a replacement to my pause, or my reaction, but because, that is all there is.
The crux of it is this: not to just intellectualize the concept of the word "patience" in this scripture but, to have the wherewithal to live it by NOT having to pause, dig deep, take a breathe, or worse, hold on to that tiniest little piece. That tiniest little voice squeaking, " yabbut...i'm always the one who's trying/changing/working/forgiving/committing/persevering...". Which is exactly what I do. What we all do. It's an ALL, People, if there is ONE other person out there who's done this one time, it's an ALL.
The exercise then, is growing through that moment, to the place there is NO OTHER REACTION, save patience.
A very clear picture is being painted for me, of a change in me since my divorce seven years ago. I find, in the worst moments of tear-laden frustration, I have become a quitter. In thought.
When everyone is off in their corners, one too many days, and my heart has been heavy because, they don't see what a wonder it is to be a family, too often my own hurt thoughts go to, "I quit". Not the words but, my reaction to the hurt.
I quit.
"I'm hurt and I'm exhausted with being the only one to care. So, I'm holing up in my room and they can all have their way. They'll see one day. When we are all distanced."
I quit.
I'm failing us all with that approach. 'Cause, I don't really quit; I don't really not care. In fact, I really do care a great deal.
PATIENCE. Patience has to fill me up in those swiss cheese places. Instantly. Not as a replacement to my pause, or my reaction, but because, that is all there is.
image courtesy photographybycally.com
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Day 3
I might just achieve this. Today, I focused on patience. I mean that quite literally. After racing here to get a post in before midnight last night, I went to bed, remembering how easy it was to remain patient when my kids were young. Odd, eh? It might seem, it should be more difficult, remembering that aspect of love with a tiny little super human who, never tires and is never out of questions. Not so, for me back then.
Every time I felt my frustration welling up, for all that is "a life with a house full of teens and interacting with their teen-minded daddy", I paused for a nano second and regrouped. It went VERY well, I must say.
I know too, to be more patient with myself. Why do we expect changes to be so easy?
Love IS patient. Love is BEING patient.
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