Honest To God ~ Day 82

As you can see, if you've followed this blog at all; I have failed. Miserably.

BUT God...

He is SO good.

As ashamed as I am to say it, I divorced my husband in 2006. I did so without consulting the only person I should have. God. Had I continued to grow in my relationship with Him, my life wouldn't be where it is, right now.

I was wrong to divorce my husband
I was wrong to make him my god
I was selfish. Selfish is unloving

How pathetic am I, to have been given MANY fair warnings by God...to include the reason behind this blog.

I am learning to speak life. Into everything. The liar has had too much time in my sandbox. It became his litter box, really. No more.

I love you, Charlie. You are the second best thing to happen to me in this life. The first is knowing God. Him, and then you. Then, our babies. After that, it's all just fluff.

I am aware, there are those who may be following this, who will roll their eyes. I understand. I have absolutely no credibility, given my choices over the last few years. I also don't care. I am accountable to no one. But God... He gave me a wonderful blessing in my husband. He has given me a wonderful blessing in my husband.

I'm not sure yet, where these words will go but, I hope it helps someone else.

If you never commit an other passage to your heart, commit 1 Corinthians 13:4-13. It will serve you well.

Day 24 & Day 25

Day 24 AND Day 25

The last two days have been down the toilet. Completely. I am working on me trying to work on me, and hyper aware of others foibles. The definition of insanity comes to mind. I have no patience, therefore; I show no love. Too, I'm learning, true kindness carries patience in the definition. I have no kindness then, not really, here too; there is no love.

I had opportunity to share my frustration with someone who asked how I was doing, how the last couple of days have gone. After listening to my tearful vent, it was said in reference to what I am trying to do through this scripture: just how long is long-suffering? How patient is patience? Where is love being returned to YOU? I know the questions were well-meant, asked in care but, I also know the danger that comes with too deep a selfish introspection.

If I am to learn through this scripture, to grow through it, I have to arrive at a place where I don't examine what is done to me. Or not done to me. I have to trade the part of introspection that is named Selfish, for the extrospection named Selfless.

image courtesy images.fineartamerica.com 

How's your view?

Day 22 & Day 23

Day 22

image courtesy madebywhite.com

Yesterday was a me being really aware of my everything day. Almost a memory game of sorts, where the moment was a flash card and my remembrance was the scripture - to match a moment AND act in love was a winning hand.

Day 23

Today brought me this: a smile knowing, even as I am failing, I am being made over. FLIP A CARD. I've never gotten satisfaction in lashing out in thought or deed - not from the point of malicious intent, anyway. I have though, reacted in a way of "getting even" by setting someone straight, in indignation. This morning, I opened my work email to a particularly difficult situation that began a few days ago. FLIP A CARD. The person who had previously rubbed me raw, hadn't followed through. The days prior, I was indignant and extremely irritated...and considered myself justified because I had done what I was supposed to do. This morning, however; I was changed to that situation, and that person. FLIP A CARD. I was changed. FLIP A CARD. Not the other person, who is STILL behaving the same way. FLIP A CARD. I was changed. FLIP A CARD. On the outside, I have remained professional. On the inside, I was lashing out, thinking the person to be inept, and other unkind thoughts. Last night, as I fell asleep, I was reminded to pray for my "enemies". FLIP A CARD. The person isn't really an enemy, per se, however; we have both acted as though we are; the person with all the accusations, and me, with all my thoughts. Enemies. FLIP A CARD.

It's getting in. Something is getting in. Change may come overnight but, it doesn't happen overnight.

Day 12 - Day 21

I'm going to race through those days I've missed posting here with a recap:

Day 12

I had ample opportunity to practice by remembering patience in my reaction to a someone who chafes me at every turn. This remembering I am the problem in my world is tough stuff, in this; If I have to stand for my actions, I have to stand for ALL my actions.

The latter part of my day was a truly wonderful evening with kids I hadn't seen in thirty years. THIRTY. YEARS. Dinner and carousing at our thirtieth class reunion was a much needed balm to frazzled emotions and raw nerves. It was also a test for me. There has been a thorn in my side for thirty years connected to the continued actions of an other...and I shouldn't see it the way I do.

LEARNING CURVE

Day 13

GREAT day. Happiness filled day. Closeness and ribbing and jaunting and merriment. Until, there came the test. (every day? we get tested every day, Lord? i didn't even have to get tested every day in school!) It is in those moments, I am tested - when it's "all good" - and learn how far I have to grow.

Day 14

That was a Monday? Ahhh, yes. I was still able to ride the wave of nostalgia. Good day. The whole day was a good day. As much as I've pointed it out, this being aware of how important this scripture is in my life, how I know it will change my life, I know too; the worst days are the blessed days.

Day 15 - Day 19

A working blur. Evasive customers. Absentee customers. Inept people. Not nice, eh? Also the truth. Outwardly, not a one knew my struggle. I am professional. I am patient. On the outside. YUK. On my inside, I vented and pouted and pointed fingers. In my head, I held conversations with those people-in-test-form who pushed buttons and pulled rugs. That's all gotta go, if I'm to be changed. When I AM changed, it will go.

Day 20

Might as well have been Day 1 all over again. All after thoroughly enjoying my church service, too. Right out the window all THAT went.

Day 21

And, here I am. Which reminds me:

This was one of the hymns in service. I cry every single time. And, here I am again. I am brought back to center. I am happy in my reprimand. I am thankful I mess up. Here I am, Lord. :-)

Day 11

It's been a marginally successful day... In the middle of trying to resolve a particularly difficult issue, I realised

image courtesy wordbypicture.com       

image courtesy bobswoodcrafts.com 

image courtesy her30s.com

image courtesy thefutureofthings.com

                        ACCOUNTABILITY 

Know what I mean? As I lumbered through (along with the other person) our interaction, I remembered. Instantly, I changed. Everything changed, and I was able to again, treat that person as I should.  The moment that came together, I was accountable.

It may be working... :-)

Day 10

image courtesy thecriticalpath.info    

We wait in lines for these, right ?

image courtesy bellanaija.com

I don't know about you but, I woulda' waited a lllonnng time for this!

image courtesy meethtebeatlesforreal.blogspot.com 

And though, I was far too young to have waited for these, I would have. Just like this.

It hit me: when we are trying to learn through a piece of scripture that hangdogs our every waking moment, we are, in essence, waiting in line (albeit, within) for each part to make sense, that we might always and truly live it. We peruse the Sunday Paper (The Bible), we land on a particular event (a book or chapter), and then we wait in line (the piece of scripture as a whole) until it's our turn to hold that prized ticket (The Understanding). If the event is really, really good (and, come on, they usually are because we chose it), and we pay close attention (introspection, experience, and prayer) and are drawn into the story, we leave the venue and tell the story over, and over, and over.

I for One, am arriving before the birds. How about you?

Day 9

Years ago, during my I'm-going-to-read-every-self-improvement-book-ever phase, I read how much it helps to break a day into segments of manageable time, fifteen minutes, as example. A few days ago, I realized it would help me with this year-long trek, to break 1 Corinthians 13:4-13 into increments of learning. Learning to live the words. I realized too, some may take longer than others; we are, after all, carriers. Of that which we need the most growth in. I'm a pretty patient gal, really. Or so I thought, until I really began to examine why this particular scripture convicts me as much as it has. As it still is. Patience isn't just in hectic moments with over-tired toddlers, with the sluggard behind the DMV counter, or the self-possessed intellect with more stale air than tact; patience is best lived where a person is...I'm still learning. Incrementally.

Day 8

Mobile blogging again and I can't get the cursor to find the field to give a title to this post. I'll fix it in the am. Where yesterday was short and sweet, so to speak...an easy day; today was interesting. Curious. I had the opportunity to share a few experiences from my divorce, and my growth through them. As I shared with the person I was speaking with,I heard my words and knew they were in my heart. Real. It set the pace for the rest of my day. At every usually frustrating interaction with ongoing, long-standing struggles, I remained patient. "Love is patient..."

I'm on the first step and that's ok.

Day 7

Almost missed it!  My youngest was home today, the beginning of our yearly...I'm not sure what to call it. She's sick every year, about this time.

Anyway...

Today was an easy day. She's easy... Is that bad? She's easy for me to remember to love? In the exercise of this growth within me? We get along. So, of course it's easier.

Anyway... Short post. Easy day.

Day 6

Today I am back at ground zero. Half a step forward, fifty gazillion steps back. A long and unhappy tumble back DOWN the hill.

The crux of it is this: not to just intellectualize the concept of the word "patience" in this scripture but, to have the wherewithal to live it by NOT having to pause, dig deep, take a breathe, or worse, hold on to that tiniest little piece. That tiniest little voice squeaking, " yabbut...i'm always the one who's trying/changing/working/forgiving/committing/persevering...". Which is exactly what I do. What we all do. It's an ALL, People, if there is ONE other person out there who's done this one time, it's an ALL.

The exercise then, is growing through that moment, to the place there is NO OTHER REACTION, save patience.

A very clear picture is being painted for me, of a change in me since my divorce seven years ago. I find, in the worst moments of tear-laden frustration, I have become a quitter. In thought.

When everyone is off in their corners, one too many days, and my heart has been heavy because, they don't see what a wonder it is to be a family, too often my own hurt thoughts go to, "I quit". Not the words but, my reaction to the hurt.

I quit.

"I'm hurt and I'm exhausted with being the only one to care. So, I'm holing up in my room and they can all have their way. They'll see one day. When we are all distanced."

I quit.

I'm failing us all with that approach. 'Cause, I don't really quit; I don't really not care. In fact, I really do care a great deal.

PATIENCE. Patience has to fill me up in those swiss cheese places. Instantly. Not as a replacement to my pause, or my reaction, but because, that is all there is.

image courtesy photographybycally.com

Day 5

Mobile blogging from bed before I zonk. Today was a particularly trying day. Because I was uber aware of my reactions to those daily rubs. I liked it. Deeply introspective day.

Day 4

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THAT is the day it has been.

I am quickly seeing, this journey (for me) is going to be about digging deeper, and beyond any (of my) understanding. It is the more difficult thing to do, to "let it go" when I know the other person is incorrect. To...ZIPPIT... After all, it "may" be my responsibility/opportunity/inclination to teach that person, or it may not. Their learning may actually come from me ceding to patience and bowing away. Overzealous earnest know-it-all, I be.

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Day 3

                                                          image courtesy goneliftin.com

I might just achieve this. Today, I focused on patience. I mean that quite literally. After racing here to get a  post in before midnight last night, I went to bed, remembering how easy it was to remain patient when my kids were young. Odd, eh? It might seem, it should be more difficult, remembering that aspect of love with a tiny little super human who, never tires and is never out of questions. Not so, for me back then.

Every time I felt my frustration welling up, for all that is "a life with a house full of teens and interacting with their teen-minded daddy", I paused for a nano second and regrouped. It went VERY well, I must say.

I know too, to be more patient with myself. Why do we expect changes to be so easy?

Love IS patient. Love is BEING patient.

Day 2

4 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 [b]bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things

Thank goodness, I have 363 more days to get this. I've failed miserably. Again. I'm doing good, day is moving along, happy-happy joy-joy inside, and BAM. That one person comes along to just completely upend my day.

Sad truth is, that one person is really me. If I am to live "love is patient", I have to find a way to dig deeper and not allow my "self" to see the other person any way but, in love.

PATIENCE. Evidently, is not my virtue...

Day 1

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Today, I embark on what is probably the biggest effort I've ever made. I'm already messing up, too. That's ok. It happens. It will continue to happen. I'm human. I want to be a better human.

This effort stems from my awareness; change begins within me. This scripture has haunted me for too long now. Tells me I'm missing the mark, for all my words.

I'm not exactly sure just yet, how to approach this. How to lay out this blog. Or my thoughts for that matter.

I know that today was a day of too many tears. Mine. I am frustrated with the dynamic in my home. And, though my head knows what to do, my actions aren't matching up.

For every eye roll, and rude retort, I need to reach deeper. No matter what.

For every slight and disrespectful interaction, I need to reach deeper, and let my reactions match the words I know in this scripture.

I need, at some point, on some level, to let myself off the hook a bit, for not remembering, in the moment.

One day down. I have a freakin' long way to go...